Fear is your guide. What are you fearful of? For me, now, one fear is that I wont “make it” on my own. That I need help from someone or somewhere outside of myself just to survive. I fear that I am not enough. So this will be my path of greatest growth. “Making it” on my own. This is what I must do no matter how scary. I am doing it, and am growing every day from this scary task, and the scariness is beginning to fade. I am growing!
I have had major fear and anxiety most of my life. Most of the choices I have made have been out of fear. Choosing because I was afraid to trust myself. Choosing things that I thought I should choose instead of jumping out and choosing from my heart. Choosing to please others, modifying myself so as not to upset others. This has taken my life on a path of darkness. So how is fear the path to growth?
Find your greatest fear, and face it down. When you overcome, you will grow. Face your fears head to head, open heart, open eyes and all your strength. This is a MENTAL exercise. You must face yourself mentally and emotionally. Spiritually. This is an active ongoing exercise. This is NOT a one time thing, it’s a lifelong process. This is what you are here to do, grow. I am doing it right now as I write this. My fear is screaming in my head….. Who do you think you are? You don’t know anything! You have nothing to offer. Other people have done this better than you and before you. You’ll just be scattered. You don’t know how to write. You have nothing to say. You are nobody. And it goes on and on.
Each of these thoughts comes from a lifetime of negative programing. Programing that we all receive on some level. I have been attempting to overcome it since I was young, but not very well. I have been taken off the path, many times, on this journey. Distracted with our consumer society, finding a suitable man, youth and beauty, love, outer satisfaction of any sort, stuff, stuff stuff, drugs. Rebellion was my first way to try to break out of the rules that are placed upon me.
Unfortunately, rebellion without wisdom didn’t take me very far and in fact landed me directly in the path of darkness and fear. I have been in many abusive situations. Literally of all kinds from being punched, to being gang raped, to being ignored completely and more. Throughout all of this, I have had one constant thought. There must be more meaning to my life than this! This!!! This, can not be my life. And so somehow I have figured a way out, a way to rise above, to free myself and a way to greater peace.
I would not be in the peaceful place I am now were it not for all the fear I have faced down. I am still working on overcoming fear. It is a daily action. Often the true & deep fear is hiding behind another simple fear, and the mental work is to dig deep and find it out. Then Feel that fear, do not turn away, but turn into the fear, sit with it. Cry with it, get angry with it, feel it, and move through it. You will set yourself free and you will grow mountains each and every time.
Blame. Blaming others is one of the MOST dis-empowering things we can do to ourselves. Blaming others give all of our power away. It will keep you stuck from here to eternity. You must take all the blame for ALL the conditions of your life. On a certain level your soul has asked for this, in order to grow. Allow it! Own it! Move through it and begin your healing and growth. Only we have the power to change ourselves. All of our power lies within, and fear will point the way to the light on the dark path.
If you do not face your fears and move through them, you will continue to get the same negative situations in your life, over and over and over again, until you “get it”. Get it? Not only that but if you leave these fears unaddressed un-tended to, you will pass them down energetically to your children, and THEY will have to deal with it.
Go chase down your fears and overcome! You won’t regret it.
The old saying “The truth shall set you free!” is a classic for a reason. It’s true!
I have been truthful in my life. I’m not really a lying type of person, I just don’t really see why lying is necessary or what the benefits are. I really don’t have a reason to lie, so whats the point. I am always pretty astonished when people lie, I just don’t get it. Ironically I am coming to see that after a life of being outwardly honest, the truth is that I have been lying all along, to MYSELF.
I have been in many abusive situations and scenarios, some are like scenes from a bad horror movie & I buried them all. I focused on the good I could find and hid the rest away. When I say hid away, I mean NO ONE, not even me, really knew! But inside I had hidden away everything I experienced, the whole of the experience, the feelings, the smells, the clothing, the thoughts, the surrounding events, sometimes days or weeks surrounding the event, everything. It just stayed in my head and I pretended that it didn’t happen. As years have gone by, I have endured more and more abuses of all kinds. And I’ve buried more and more. I mean, nobody really wants to hear any of this stuff anyway. I don’t want to be a bummer. So I just don’t talk about it. I let it all go, or so I thought.
As I peer into the dark corners of my experience, I am looking for lessons, I look for patterns, I look for clues that could potentially bring me some peace. I am always looking for the answer to the big question, why? Why?!
So many times I had sat and asked myself, how can this possibly be my life. This is too much. Where is the happiness? Where is the love? Is life ALL pain? My life so far feels like more than 95% pain. (But that is changing) I’m not talking about cut your finger pain, I am talking real deep pain. Weeks on end of crying pain. Rape pain. Beaten pain. Suicidal pain. Death pain. Bruised and bleeding pain. Emotional pain. The pain of my life, the seeming meaninglessness of it all. I am still trying to make sense out of all the abuse I’ve endured, and in the process I am learning so many things.
The truth shall set you free. It’s the telling of our stories that relieves the pain, just being heard. That’s it. It’s so simple. Having someone hear you and understand you and just listen and hear your experience, THAT is the truth setting you free. You need to speak it out loud to someone who will listen. Someone who will listen without comments or suggestions. Just listen. Just hear. When you release your story from your mouth out loud, and someone hears it, it’s like magic. You get lifted up a few inches. Your burden of secrecy melts away. If you have a tragic story, you may need to tell it quite a few times before the feels begin to evaporate, but they will.
I am proud to be at the crest of the wave of the #metoo movement. A few years ago, I spoke out about an abuse that I endured. My motivation for speaking out was not and is not political in nature. I spoke out because I had to for myself. Because if I could not speak out about this incident of abuse, I would never be able to open up and heal any of the abuses I’ve carried and so I would remain stuck. Somehow, I knew in my own conscience it was time to open up. For me, that tiny little telling of a small abuse so long ago, released my own personal floodgate of hidden stories. It was like I pulled the cork out of the hold and all the truth is spilling out. It feels good, to face these lies I have told myself, these secrets I have buried.
I am hearing about so many the women coming out and speaking their truth. It is amazing to feel the weight lifted, I feel it too. It is a mass healing for the people on both sides of the abuses, the abuser and the abused. Both are being faced with their truths and the only way to release it is to go through it. Some may be in denial, but eventually they will face the truth, as we all do. When we are faced with a dark truth, it is so important to embrace it and feel it. Really feel it, sit with it, cry with it, breathe into it. Only then can you release it.
Please understand that we need to release others also, so they can tell their truths without upsetting us. This is huge. It takes a great amount of compassion, and it’s something I work on daily. We need to treat others as we would like to be treated. We are going to speak our truth, our real truth and we are going to need people who will give us the space to be and do just that. We also need to give that same space to others. Even if their truth is vastly different than ours. We are ALL vastly different! That is the beauty of the world! Embrace that and allow it, because it is, wether we like it or not.
Give and receive. The balance of life.
We are all here learning and growing, the journey is real.
I wish you many blessings, and many healing stories, both told and heard.
This is without a doubt the MOST magical experience of my life. Being able to touch the other side. See it and remember it. I want to share this with you.
I never really gave the act of birth much thought, although I had seen it depicted as a painful, hospital situation in movies and TV shows. I just always knew I wanted children. I wanted 3 children. I thought that was a good amount. Well, G-d had other plans and I spent the better part of 10 years trying to get pregnant using all sorts of methods. It just wasn’t happening. In the end I decided that in-vitro was not for me. I wanted natural or not at all & I became adamant. I turned to acupuncture. I changed my lifestyle and diet completely for over a year. I was diligent and committed. My body was healthy! I felt more energetic than ever. But still nothing. I just was not getting pregnant. So frustrated and done with all the counting and timing and temperature taking, I finally gave up.
I decided that I would travel the world. Enjoy the freedom of not having someone to care for. I would indulge completely! Fiji was first on my list. I was going over these adventurous plans, when I began feeling strange, unusually strange and sure enough, I was pregnant. FINALLY! I couldn’t believe it. After everything I had done, after all the years of “trying” it finally came to fruition! Good organic food, specific food for my body and acupuncture, prepared my body for pregnancy. I was beyond happy and a bit in disbelief. I realized right then that I would do everything naturally. Clearly, that was what I needed for success.
I began watching all the movies and reading everything I could find on natural birth. The Business of Being Born, Orgasmic Birth, Pregnant in America, there are quite a few great resources on the topic. Do your research! There are so many options, from natural in the hospital to natural alone in the forest. I read stories of women giving birth in lakes, pools, hospitals, every place you can thing of.
I decided that I wanted a natural birth & to be at home. I loved the idea of a natural water birth at the foot of my bed. That was my goal. Of course it did not go over too well with some of the people who love me. They were worried. They said I was too old, ( I was 40 at the time) had to be in the hospital, was high risk, should order a c section. I told them that “If the midwives say I’m good, I believe them, and more than that, I trust my own body. And, if you are not going to say something supportive, please don’t speak to me. I do not wish to hear any negative thoughts at this time.” Well as you can imagine, that didn’t go over too well either. I recall getting hung up on a few times, but I was already in fierce protective mode and I was ready to stand guard over all of it, my experience, my body and my child. And that is what I did.
I was committed to a natural water birth at home the way I had committed to getting pregnant, fiercely! If anyone said anything to me negative, I basically cast them out. I slept in meditation with Bellaruth Naperstack’s Healthy Pregnancy and Childbirth CD. It was on all night and day in headphones in my ears. I only listened to positivity and consistently talked to the baby about my plans for a water birth. I cast out all fear and anyone bringing me negative vibes. On a side note, I did have the midwives of The Sanctuary on my side, and they are prepped for any situation or emergency. I trusted them. I was in good hands.
Fast forward to the day.
My mother was there and the father of my child, and the midwives, but soon I would not even be “there”. I recall going to the bathroom in the morning and then my mother coming to check on me, asking if I was ok, as I had been in there for some inordinate amount of time. I didn’t realize how long I was in there. Even now I don’t recall. It may have been an hour. My mother was instructed by the midwives who had not yet arrived to make me a warm bath. I got in, laid on my side staring at the white tub wall, my iPhone which was sitting on the edge of the tub, slipped into the water and lay beside me on the bottom. I just looked at it. I didn’t pick it up. I didn’t have the thought that this was at all bad. I was having no “feelings” about it at all. I just observed. Detached from feelings. When my mother returned from checking in with the midwives, she saw my phone at the bottom of the tub and immediately picked it up and had definite feelings about it! But I, I was entering Labor Land. Labor Land is the trancelike state a woman goes into when allowed to just be, while giving birth. It is a place of pure magic.
I moved from my bathtub to the birthing tub at the foot of my bed. The water was warm and the floor of the tub thick and soft, perfect. Now this is the part, the magical part, the part I had been preparing for with all my guarding and fierceness of mind. Now.
I remember looking out the window at the sun, just starting to come over the swaying tree tops, speckled light dancing on the lawn. Then I had a strong pull inward and I was gone. I was in a tunnel of golden rings, askew concentric circles of bright, glowing, golden, starlike patterns, oppositely rotating, pulsating and simultaneously winding like a wormhole. It was beautiful, a shade of gold I can not quite locate, although I have tried and tried. It was rich like liquid, molten, golden, honey. Constantly and consistently moving and rotating. Dynamic.
I remained in this sacred light tunnel, occasionally opening my eyes and observing the room and my physical surroundings. I was on all fours in the tub, the water was cool, I was tired and yet I continued. I wanted to ask for someone to hold me up, but I could not speak. I was pulled back in, closed my eyes and was back in the tunnel. What felt like minutes later, I opened my eyes and observed that the sun was now on the other side of the yard, dropping down behind the house. How long had I been here? Must be hours. Wow. It seemed like minutes. Close eyes. The pull inward. Gone. Into the tunnel of golden light.
I recall vaguely, from the point of view of an observer and not the one involved, that the midwives, who were checking on me, asked me one or two questions. I don’t recall the questions, or if I answered. I was not in the room, I was out of my body and into the actual fabric of life that connects us all. The golden thread. I was on my way to the gates of life to pick up the spirit the soul, of my child.
Here is the golden tunnel of light as I later tried to put it on paper and explain it in mere human physicality terms. So inadequate. After sharing this drawing with my brother, I learned about sacred geometry for the first time.
The golden tunnel was rotating, layered and dynamic, it was a worm-hole, tunneling up and down left and right. It was beautiful, peaceful, calm, soothing. It began to get brighter and brighter, and then opening up to bright white light, unlike any light here, pure and strong. There were two shapes in front of me, smooth and softly shaped beings of light. I took the hand of the smaller one, not a human hand, but a spirit hand. Moments later I heard “Okay pause, don’t push. Just relax. ” But my body was on auto pilot and was not taking direction from anyone, a huge contraction. I opened my eyes and was back in the room, it was very hazy, I was a bit confused. Not fully in my body. One of the midwives said in a soft voice, “Kristin, pick up your baby.” I thought, “What? What? A baby?” Pick up your baby. I looked down reached down into the water and sure enough there was a baby, I lifted the mass onto my belly and sat back a bit in the tub. I tried to understand what was happening. Where was I? Who was in this room? What was going on? I was oblivious. Thank G-d for midwives
“Is it a boy or a girl?” dad asked the midwives.
“We don’t know. Look!”
I looked. “Boy!” I said as I tried to come back into my body, but at the same time really wanted to stay in that golden tunnel of light. “Look, he’s looking at you!” I looked down into his face, looking up at me, and that was it. Bonded for life. The love began to flow. Flooding both baby and me with a cocktail of love hormones so powerful that I would remain “high on love” for the next 6 months straight. NOTHING could bring me down. I felt super human in love. It was so unbearable at times, reducing me to tears, overcome with joy and love. Nothing else mattered. I have never before or after felt that level of the power of LOVE! And so we are designed.
My baby spent the next few days on me, I barely even let anyone else hold him. Even when my mother wanted to hold him, I asked her, “Do you love him?” I wan’t going to let her hold him unless she was very sure that she did indeed love him. Him, this most precious spirit that came back with me from the gates of life.
And then, I understood so many more things than I had understood the day before.
I understood the power of our being. I understood the fierce love of a mother for her child. I understood the unending power of women, all women. And I now understand why our society is in a battle for birth. Disempowering mothers from having this kind of birth breaks the golden thread that ties us all together. It breaks the love cocktail, shatters it with a flood of interventions, and renders us lost souls, rubber gloved, easily controlled and manipulated. Cornered. Desperate.
Later, when telling this story of our birth, women would ask me about pain, “Was it very painful?” I wouldn’t describe it as pain, it was more like exhaustion, being so very physically tired, but my body itself, just kept going. My body had a will of its own. It is made for this. Designed perfectly, beyond anything we could conceive, perfectly. Imperfectly perfect. Truly perfect. My body was designed that way. So was yours beautiful woman!
I hope this story will help to restore in you a little faith in yourself, in the miracle that you are and the power you have within. I hope that you will read my birth story and retell it and make it your own story & truth. Know that this is a possibility. Empower yourself and your child to connect to the source of all and have a truly magical birth experience. Connected, with a love that surpasses understanding.
Aim for the stars when you prepare for your birth! Aim for the gold! Please, for the love of us all, please know that you were made for this, you are beyond capable! You are magical!
I have attempted a blog quite a few times, published it and then took it down, not really knowing what to do with all these thoughts. Now, I am working on overcoming my fears and living more fully in my truth. Being who I am instead of who I think I should be.
I am a human full of mistakes and many seemingly bad choices, but I also have made amazing choices and I grow and learn every day. I have grown so, so much in my life. I have gone from being completely blinded & naive to eyes wide open and seeing the realities around me. I now am entering a new creative phase. Working with myself and the universe to create my life the way I choose. Co-creating. It’s pretty fun so far, a total experiment. It also is a LOT of mental work.
My truth, my life, is a mixture of terrible events and truly magnificent events. After years of analyzing it, I have come to see the balance. I have experienced darkness and light, in equal proportions. I would also say that the darkness has led me to the light. It sounds so dramatic, but it is true. The darkness is our path to the light. It’s the way. The signs can be hidden, but… “Seek and ye shall find.”.
I open myself up to the possibilities. Let go of fear and allow my becoming.
“Change will occur, when the pain of staying the same, out weighs the pain of change.”
When you’re ready to join me on this journey, please do!