It felt like everything I had was being taken from me. All of it. Everything I thought I knew, all that I thought I wanted, all that I could count on, gone. I was a mess, lying on the floor crying like a small child who didn’t get the candy they wanted, tears and snot streaming down my cheeks. I was a sight. I could not stop crying, I could not move from the floor. The feeling of loss was tremendous.
Beyond what I have ever felt before.
Loss of myself.
My heart was breaking. Crushed, smashed, pulverised. Shards of crystal on the dessert of my chest. Broken. Gone.
But all was not lost. Look…
As a crab grows, she must break out of her shell, herself! She slowly detaches from and pulls out of the hardened shell that has protected her for so long. It’s time to grow. The shell is pushed off and there she sits, raw, vulnerable. A soft shell crab. She expands her newly exposed body, then slowly begins to heal her skin, her shell, into the new, greater version of herself.
My heart was puleverised and like the soft shell crab, it is now raw, vulnerable and expanding. This is a precious time.
This expansion brings self love, Self acceptance, presence. Love of my own being. I am ready. I am raw. I am open. I am love.
This is without a doubt the MOST magical experience of my life. Being able to touch the other side. See it and remember it. I want to share this with you.
I never really gave the act of birth much thought, although I had seen it depicted as a painful, hospital situation in movies and TV shows. I just always knew I wanted children. I wanted 3 children. I thought that was a good amount. Well, G-d had other plans and I spent the better part of 10 years trying to get pregnant using all sorts of methods. It just wasn’t happening. In the end I decided that in-vitro was not for me. I wanted natural or not at all & I became adamant. I turned to acupuncture. I changed my lifestyle and diet completely for over a year. I was diligent and committed. My body was healthy! I felt more energetic than ever. But still nothing. I just was not getting pregnant. So frustrated and done with all the counting and timing and temperature taking, I finally gave up.
I decided that I would travel the world. Enjoy the freedom of not having someone to care for. I would indulge completely! Fiji was first on my list. I was going over these adventurous plans, when I began feeling strange, unusually strange and sure enough, I was pregnant. FINALLY! I couldn’t believe it. After everything I had done, after all the years of “trying” it finally came to fruition! Good organic food, specific food for my body and acupuncture, prepared my body for pregnancy. I was beyond happy and a bit in disbelief. I realized right then that I would do everything naturally. Clearly, that was what I needed for success.
I began watching all the movies and reading everything I could find on natural birth. The Business of Being Born, Orgasmic Birth, Pregnant in America, there are quite a few great resources on the topic. Do your research! There are so many options, from natural in the hospital to natural alone in the forest. I read stories of women giving birth in lakes, pools, hospitals, every place you can thing of.
I decided that I wanted a natural birth & to be at home. I loved the idea of a natural water birth at the foot of my bed. That was my goal. Of course it did not go over too well with some of the people who love me. They were worried. They said I was too old, ( I was 40 at the time) had to be in the hospital, was high risk, should order a c section. I told them that “If the midwives say I’m good, I believe them, and more than that, I trust my own body. And, if you are not going to say something supportive, please don’t speak to me. I do not wish to hear any negative thoughts at this time.” Well as you can imagine, that didn’t go over too well either. I recall getting hung up on a few times, but I was already in fierce protective mode and I was ready to stand guard over all of it, my experience, my body and my child. And that is what I did.
I was committed to a natural water birth at home the way I had committed to getting pregnant, fiercely! If anyone said anything to me negative, I basically cast them out. I slept in meditation with Bellaruth Naperstack’s Healthy Pregnancy and Childbirth CD. It was on all night and day in headphones in my ears. I only listened to positivity and consistently talked to the baby about my plans for a water birth. I cast out all fear and anyone bringing me negative vibes. On a side note, I did have the midwives of The Sanctuary on my side, and they are prepped for any situation or emergency. I trusted them. I was in good hands.
Fast forward to the day.
My mother was there and the father of my child, and the midwives, but soon I would not even be “there”. I recall going to the bathroom in the morning and then my mother coming to check on me, asking if I was ok, as I had been in there for some inordinate amount of time. I didn’t realize how long I was in there. Even now I don’t recall. It may have been an hour. My mother was instructed by the midwives who had not yet arrived to make me a warm bath. I got in, laid on my side staring at the white tub wall, my iPhone which was sitting on the edge of the tub, slipped into the water and lay beside me on the bottom. I just looked at it. I didn’t pick it up. I didn’t have the thought that this was at all bad. I was having no “feelings” about it at all. I just observed. Detached from feelings. When my mother returned from checking in with the midwives, she saw my phone at the bottom of the tub and immediately picked it up and had definite feelings about it! But I, I was entering Labor Land. Labor Land is the trancelike state a woman goes into when allowed to just be, while giving birth. It is a place of pure magic.
I moved from my bathtub to the birthing tub at the foot of my bed. The water was warm and the floor of the tub thick and soft, perfect. Now this is the part, the magical part, the part I had been preparing for with all my guarding and fierceness of mind. Now.
I remember looking out the window at the sun, just starting to come over the swaying tree tops, speckled light dancing on the lawn. Then I had a strong pull inward and I was gone. I was in a tunnel of golden rings, askew concentric circles of bright, glowing, golden, starlike patterns, oppositely rotating, pulsating and simultaneously winding like a wormhole. It was beautiful, a shade of gold I can not quite locate, although I have tried and tried. It was rich like liquid, molten, golden, honey. Constantly and consistently moving and rotating. Dynamic.
I remained in this sacred light tunnel, occasionally opening my eyes and observing the room and my physical surroundings. I was on all fours in the tub, the water was cool, I was tired and yet I continued. I wanted to ask for someone to hold me up, but I could not speak. I was pulled back in, closed my eyes and was back in the tunnel. What felt like minutes later, I opened my eyes and observed that the sun was now on the other side of the yard, dropping down behind the house. How long had I been here? Must be hours. Wow. It seemed like minutes. Close eyes. The pull inward. Gone. Into the tunnel of golden light.
I recall vaguely, from the point of view of an observer and not the one involved, that the midwives, who were checking on me, asked me one or two questions. I don’t recall the questions, or if I answered. I was not in the room, I was out of my body and into the actual fabric of life that connects us all. The golden thread. I was on my way to the gates of life to pick up the spirit the soul, of my child.
Here is the golden tunnel of light as I later tried to put it on paper and explain it in mere human physicality terms. So inadequate. After sharing this drawing with my brother, I learned about sacred geometry for the first time.
The golden tunnel was rotating, layered and dynamic, it was a worm-hole, tunneling up and down left and right. It was beautiful, peaceful, calm, soothing. It began to get brighter and brighter, and then opening up to bright white light, unlike any light here, pure and strong. There were two shapes in front of me, smooth and softly shaped beings of light. I took the hand of the smaller one, not a human hand, but a spirit hand. Moments later I heard “Okay pause, don’t push. Just relax. ” But my body was on auto pilot and was not taking direction from anyone, a huge contraction. I opened my eyes and was back in the room, it was very hazy, I was a bit confused. Not fully in my body. One of the midwives said in a soft voice, “Kristin, pick up your baby.” I thought, “What? What? A baby?” Pick up your baby. I looked down reached down into the water and sure enough there was a baby, I lifted the mass onto my belly and sat back a bit in the tub. I tried to understand what was happening. Where was I? Who was in this room? What was going on? I was oblivious. Thank G-d for midwives
“Is it a boy or a girl?” dad asked the midwives.
“We don’t know. Look!”
I looked. “Boy!” I said as I tried to come back into my body, but at the same time really wanted to stay in that golden tunnel of light. “Look, he’s looking at you!” I looked down into his face, looking up at me, and that was it. Bonded for life. The love began to flow. Flooding both baby and me with a cocktail of love hormones so powerful that I would remain “high on love” for the next 6 months straight. NOTHING could bring me down. I felt super human in love. It was so unbearable at times, reducing me to tears, overcome with joy and love. Nothing else mattered. I have never before or after felt that level of the power of LOVE! And so we are designed.
My baby spent the next few days on me, I barely even let anyone else hold him. Even when my mother wanted to hold him, I asked her, “Do you love him?” I wan’t going to let her hold him unless she was very sure that she did indeed love him. Him, this most precious spirit that came back with me from the gates of life.
And then, I understood so many more things than I had understood the day before.
I understood the power of our being. I understood the fierce love of a mother for her child. I understood the unending power of women, all women. And I now understand why our society is in a battle for birth. Disempowering mothers from having this kind of birth breaks the golden thread that ties us all together. It breaks the love cocktail, shatters it with a flood of interventions, and renders us lost souls, rubber gloved, easily controlled and manipulated. Cornered. Desperate.
Later, when telling this story of our birth, women would ask me about pain, “Was it very painful?” I wouldn’t describe it as pain, it was more like exhaustion, being so very physically tired, but my body itself, just kept going. My body had a will of its own. It is made for this. Designed perfectly, beyond anything we could conceive, perfectly. Imperfectly perfect. Truly perfect. My body was designed that way. So was yours beautiful woman!
I hope this story will help to restore in you a little faith in yourself, in the miracle that you are and the power you have within. I hope that you will read my birth story and retell it and make it your own story & truth. Know that this is a possibility. Empower yourself and your child to connect to the source of all and have a truly magical birth experience. Connected, with a love that surpasses understanding.
Aim for the stars when you prepare for your birth! Aim for the gold! Please, for the love of us all, please know that you were made for this, you are beyond capable! You are magical!