It felt like everything I had was being taken from me. All of it. Everything I thought I knew, all that I thought I wanted, all that I could count on, gone. I was a mess, lying on the floor crying like a small child who didn’t get the candy they wanted, tears and snot streaming down my cheeks. I was a sight. I could not stop crying, I could not move from the floor. The feeling of loss was tremendous.
Beyond what I have ever felt before.
Loss of myself.
My heart was breaking. Crushed, smashed, pulverised. Shards of crystal on the dessert of my chest. Broken. Gone.
But all was not lost. Look…
As a crab grows, she must break out of her shell, herself! She slowly detaches from and pulls out of the hardened shell that has protected her for so long. It’s time to grow. The shell is pushed off and there she sits, raw, vulnerable. A soft shell crab. She expands her newly exposed body, then slowly begins to heal her skin, her shell, into the new, greater version of herself.
My heart was puleverised and like the soft shell crab, it is now raw, vulnerable and expanding. This is a precious time.
This expansion brings self love, Self acceptance, presence. Love of my own being. I am ready. I am raw. I am open. I am love.
This may sound simple, but is actually one of the hardest things I’ve done. Especially if your traumatic experiences were/are so bad that you’ve dismissed them, tucked them deep inside and may have even forgotten that they were even there.
The first step to overcoming trauma, is to admit that you have it, trauma that is. The first step is to look right at it. Feel all the feels. Acknowledge it. Sit with is. Know it. Own it. It is yours. It is mine. You may need to mentally go through your experience again and it may debilitate you for some time.
When I began opening myself up to all the horrific abuses I have suffered through, that I had swept under the rug & ignored for years and years, it was like a storm raging. I was in bed crying for weeks. I got depressed, deeply sad, with a hopeless feeling. I though, why? Why? Why?? I was in a seemingly endless loop of why? It was rough. But in order to break free, in order to change, I had to go there, deep inside. I took the time, I laid in bed for weeks crying. It was not pleasant at all, but necessary for growth and healing.
Recalling each abuse. Pondering the “Why?” of each abuse. It was beyond depressing. But as you see, I am still here. Proof that it will not kill you to look inside of all that evil.
You may be wondering, understandably, what abuses I have suffered. I really want to focus here on the aspect of healing, but part of that IS looking at the traumatic experiences. That is the whole point of this post! So, here are a few of the more major abusive situations I have been in and have emerged from.
I have been drugged and gang raped by a man I worked with, I though we were going on a date, I thought he liked me. I had no idea what I was walking into. His name was John and I am sure he and his male friends have done this many times, it was planned too perfectly. I was in total shock and never said a word about it. I have also been trapped for months and repeatedly raped, sodomized, beaten and forced to do cocaine by a man. When I escaped I was pregnant and had contracted a VD. I have seriously contemplated both murder and suicide after that, I understand those thoughts, but had the sense to not go through with either.Actually, when I saw the movie “Room” with Brie Larson, I was thinking it was about me, that it was a true story. Mine. I also have spent years in a relationship where I was just ignored, another form of abuse that is seemingly harmless but unbelievably cruel & harmful. I also have spent many more years in a relationship that was filled with narcissistic/borderline abuse, which was quite powerful in making me feel like a crazy person. That was the final straw & catalyst for my own healing journey. I had finally had enough.
I had always asked questions like “Why me? Why do you want to hurt me? What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this? Don’t you see I love you?”. This line of questioning brought me no answers, just more and more pain.
I fell into a deep depression and I began to ask a different question. “What am I doing wrong?”. THAT is when the magic began to happen. I began to look into each abusive situation and sift around to find what lessons I could. Then, I began to shift my perceptions and thinking. I finally was beginning to see. In each of these abusive situations one thing was always true, there was one common denominator, me. In each situation I would eventually say to myself, “No. This can NOT be my life. My life is supposed to be more than this. Much more. I know it.” Then, somehow, I prevail. Every time.
I urge you to look inside, find your dark moments and embrace them. Feel them out, until the pain is processed and holds no pain any more. Then take control of the only thing you can control, your own thoughts. There is a gem in there for you. You too will prevail. I know it.
The old saying “The truth shall set you free!” is a classic for a reason. It’s true!
I have been truthful in my life. I’m not really a lying type of person, I just don’t really see why lying is necessary or what the benefits are. I really don’t have a reason to lie, so whats the point. I am always pretty astonished when people lie, I just don’t get it. Ironically I am coming to see that after a life of being outwardly honest, the truth is that I have been lying all along, to MYSELF.
I have been in many abusive situations and scenarios, some are like scenes from a bad horror movie & I buried them all. I focused on the good I could find and hid the rest away. When I say hid away, I mean NO ONE, not even me, really knew! But inside I had hidden away everything I experienced, the whole of the experience, the feelings, the smells, the clothing, the thoughts, the surrounding events, sometimes days or weeks surrounding the event, everything. It just stayed in my head and I pretended that it didn’t happen. As years have gone by, I have endured more and more abuses of all kinds. And I’ve buried more and more. I mean, nobody really wants to hear any of this stuff anyway. I don’t want to be a bummer. So I just don’t talk about it. I let it all go, or so I thought.
As I peer into the dark corners of my experience, I am looking for lessons, I look for patterns, I look for clues that could potentially bring me some peace. I am always looking for the answer to the big question, why? Why?!
So many times I had sat and asked myself, how can this possibly be my life. This is too much. Where is the happiness? Where is the love? Is life ALL pain? My life so far feels like more than 95% pain. (But that is changing) I’m not talking about cut your finger pain, I am talking real deep pain. Weeks on end of crying pain. Rape pain. Beaten pain. Suicidal pain. Death pain. Bruised and bleeding pain. Emotional pain. The pain of my life, the seeming meaninglessness of it all. I am still trying to make sense out of all the abuse I’ve endured, and in the process I am learning so many things.
The truth shall set you free. It’s the telling of our stories that relieves the pain, just being heard. That’s it. It’s so simple. Having someone hear you and understand you and just listen and hear your experience, THAT is the truth setting you free. You need to speak it out loud to someone who will listen. Someone who will listen without comments or suggestions. Just listen. Just hear. When you release your story from your mouth out loud, and someone hears it, it’s like magic. You get lifted up a few inches. Your burden of secrecy melts away. If you have a tragic story, you may need to tell it quite a few times before the feels begin to evaporate, but they will.
I am proud to be at the crest of the wave of the #metoo movement. A few years ago, I spoke out about an abuse that I endured. My motivation for speaking out was not and is not political in nature. I spoke out because I had to for myself. Because if I could not speak out about this incident of abuse, I would never be able to open up and heal any of the abuses I’ve carried and so I would remain stuck. Somehow, I knew in my own conscience it was time to open up. For me, that tiny little telling of a small abuse so long ago, released my own personal floodgate of hidden stories. It was like I pulled the cork out of the hold and all the truth is spilling out. It feels good, to face these lies I have told myself, these secrets I have buried.
I am hearing about so many the women coming out and speaking their truth. It is amazing to feel the weight lifted, I feel it too. It is a mass healing for the people on both sides of the abuses, the abuser and the abused. Both are being faced with their truths and the only way to release it is to go through it. Some may be in denial, but eventually they will face the truth, as we all do. When we are faced with a dark truth, it is so important to embrace it and feel it. Really feel it, sit with it, cry with it, breathe into it. Only then can you release it.
Please understand that we need to release others also, so they can tell their truths without upsetting us. This is huge. It takes a great amount of compassion, and it’s something I work on daily. We need to treat others as we would like to be treated. We are going to speak our truth, our real truth and we are going to need people who will give us the space to be and do just that. We also need to give that same space to others. Even if their truth is vastly different than ours. We are ALL vastly different! That is the beauty of the world! Embrace that and allow it, because it is, wether we like it or not.
Give and receive. The balance of life.
We are all here learning and growing, the journey is real.
I wish you many blessings, and many healing stories, both told and heard.