Wounds

I am rarely asked about my wounds. I think I get along pretty good in life masking them. Dermablend you know;)

I have many deep ones. I can understand where you’re at, the pain you have, to a certain degree, because I too have pain. I will give you a run down of these traumas. But generally I like not to dwell there, as that creates the “victim” mentality that I am committed to eradicating in my life and in the lives of others.

These are in no particular order except what presently comes to mind first.

I was locked up, beaten, raped, sodomized and forced to do drugs for months. I am not sure how many months, 4-6-8? I don’t recall that. How did I escape? Astral projection. ( That is another story) I never reported this. I was terrified that he would find me and kill me. I just hid out in silence. And as in any truly abusive situation, I believed I loved this man. SMH. It was textbook. After I escaped, I found out I was pregnant and had a VD. I had an abortion, which was another trauma all in itself. Lovely. But here I am, still alive and all the wiser.

I spent 7 years in an abusive narcissistic/borderline relationship. One that I have to keep dealing with, unfortunately. It was brutal. It is brutal. I didn’t consider it abusive as I wasn’t getting beatten, but it is, and some of the worst abuse out there. There is generally no point in even having a conversation with this person because somehow, it will always end in him being angry at me. Angry for what? Anything from salad to wardrobe to things he thinks I did years ago, words I say that he doesn’t like. Even avoiding a conversation is grounds for a fight. The verbal abuse would last weeks sometimes and leve me just a frail shadow of myself, head down in silence. Of course when I was in it, I would fight back! Defend myself! But it’s a no win situation. I tried everything from reasoning to different religions to therapy. A dance I did for too long thinking there was something I was doing that was really wrong. Now I know better. I was dealing with a personality disordered person. I learned many stradegies to deal with this, detachment is key.

I was gang raped by a co worker. He drugged me, then he and his 4-5 friends, took turns raping me. I saw them all walk in the room after I was immobilized, I lost count, my head was spinning. I was beyond ashamed. I never reported it. His name was John and we worked together at Ferrier restuarant on the upper east side of Manhattn. I am sure he did this to many other women who were naive enough to think that he actually liked them, like me.

When living with a certiain man, he became abusive to the point that after my shower, he threw me into the hallway of my building, naked, and locked me out of the apartment. He left me there for hours. He ocassionally would open the door and taunt me with pieces of clothing or keys. He threw keys at me at one point. It was the middle of the night, thank God, and only one person walked by me. They didn’t offer any help. And I didn’t ask. I stayed curled up in silence. I did report this, but only in divorce papers.

These are a few of the things that come to mind when I contemplate the abuse I have endured. I was naive for sure, But over time have learned to cope using meditation and self care stradegies, like boundaries, that mostly work, but not always. Sometimes they backfire. Sometimes I close the door on the whole world in order to protect myself. Sometimes I still lack boundaries and get deeply hurt in my heart.

I am a work in progress, I have come leaps and bounds for sure! I live a very peaceful life now. Mostly happy, mostly fulfilling. But as I heal, as we all do, there is a wave of healing that we ride. Nothing is black and white. It’s not “healed” or “broken”. We are in different stages of the process of healing and breakking yet again, just to be healed again. We are in process. All of us. That’s the journey. I have days of deep sadness, followed by days of joyful gratitude. Each day is a gift.

I just wanted to let you in on some of the reasons that I have this blog. There are many, many small abuses I have endured, like this one that many people know of. And some that I have caused I am sure, through retaliation, learned behaviors and testing boundaries.

My hope is that in the telling of these abuses, that I will heal further and also give permission for other women to come forth and reveal their abuses, so that they too can heal. I don’t like to dwell on negativity, as I have mentioned, but sometimes it does have to be told!

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