This may sound simple, but is actually one of the hardest things I’ve done. Especially if your traumatic experiences were/are so bad that you’ve dismissed them, tucked them deep inside and may have even forgotten that they were even there.
The first step to overcoming trauma, is to admit that you have it, trauma that is. The first step is to look right at it. Feel all the feels. Acknowledge it. Sit with is. Know it. Own it. It is yours. It is mine. You may need to mentally go through your experience again and it may debilitate you for some time.
When I began opening myself up to all the horrific abuses I have suffered through, that I had swept under the rug & ignored for years and years, it was like a storm raging. I was in bed crying for weeks. I got depressed, deeply sad, with a hopeless feeling. I though, why? Why? Why?? I was in a seemingly endless loop of why? It was rough. But in order to break free, in order to change, I had to go there, deep inside. I took the time, I laid in bed for weeks crying. It was not pleasant at all, but necessary for growth and healing.
Recalling each abuse. Pondering the “Why?” of each abuse. It was beyond depressing. But as you see, I am still here. Proof that it will not kill you to look inside of all that evil.
You may be wondering, understandably, what abuses I have suffered. I really want to focus here on the aspect of healing, but part of that IS looking at the traumatic experiences. That is the whole point of this post! So, here are a few of the more major abusive situations I have been in and have emerged from.
I have been drugged and gang raped by a man I worked with, I though we were going on a date, I thought he liked me. I had no idea what I was walking into. His name was John and I am sure he and his male friends have done this many times, it was planned too perfectly. I was in total shock and never said a word about it. I have also been trapped for months and repeatedly raped, sodomized, beaten and forced to do cocaine by a man. When I escaped I was pregnant and had contracted a VD. I have seriously contemplated both murder and suicide after that, I understand those thoughts, but had the sense to not go through with either.Actually, when I saw the movie “Room” with Brie Larson, I was thinking it was about me, that it was a true story. Mine. I also have spent years in a relationship where I was just ignored, another form of abuse that is seemingly harmless but unbelievably cruel & harmful. I also have spent many more years in a relationship that was filled with narcissistic/borderline abuse, which was quite powerful in making me feel like a crazy person. That was the final straw & catalyst for my own healing journey. I had finally had enough.
I had always asked questions like “Why me? Why do you want to hurt me? What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this? Don’t you see I love you?”. This line of questioning brought me no answers, just more and more pain.
I fell into a deep depression and I began to ask a different question. “What am I doing wrong?”. THAT is when the magic began to happen. I began to look into each abusive situation and sift around to find what lessons I could. Then, I began to shift my perceptions and thinking. I finally was beginning to see. In each of these abusive situations one thing was always true, there was one common denominator, me. In each situation I would eventually say to myself, “No. This can NOT be my life. My life is supposed to be more than this. Much more. I know it.” Then, somehow, I prevail. Every time.
I urge you to look inside, find your dark moments and embrace them. Feel them out, until the pain is processed and holds no pain any more. Then take control of the only thing you can control, your own thoughts. There is a gem in there for you. You too will prevail. I know it.
Many Blessings to You, Kristin