The Molting Heart

It felt like everything I had was being taken from me. All of it. Everything I thought I knew, all that I thought I wanted, all that I could count on, gone. I was a mess, lying on the floor crying like a small child who didn’t get the candy they wanted, tears and snot streaming down my cheeks. I was a sight. I could not stop crying, I could not move from the floor. The feeling of loss was tremendous.

Beyond what I have ever felt before.

Catastrophic loss.

Loss of myself.

My heart was breaking. Crushed, smashed, pulverised. Shards of crystal on the dessert of my chest. Broken. Gone.

But all was not lost. Look…

As a crab grows, she must break out of her shell, herself! She slowly detaches from and pulls out of the hardened shell that has protected her for so long. It’s time to grow. The shell is pushed off and there she sits, raw, vulnerable. A soft shell crab. She expands her newly exposed body, then slowly begins to heal her skin, her shell, into the new, greater version of herself.

My heart was puleverised and like the soft shell crab, it is now raw, vulnerable and expanding. This is a precious time.

This expansion brings self love, Self acceptance, presence. Love of my own being. I am ready. I am raw. I am open. I am love.

Look at Her

Look at her.

Short skirt. Looking sexy.

She’s asking for it!

No, my dear, you have to ask for it!

If the feeling is mutual,

She will give you the gold.

And it will blow your mind.

But the gold can not be taken.

Can not be stolen. 

It may only be gifted.

As a blessing from her to you.

So work on your manners.

~Kristin Anderson

Finding Our Flaws and Healing

I have spent the last 6 years steadily looking for, researching and working on healing my flaws. I guess that is part of the reason we are here, at least that is what some say. But the deeper I get the more questions I have!

Healing is a joiurney for sure. We learn new ways, implement them when we remember to and keep learning and implementing. There are good days and bad days, happy days and sad days, days when the world is a glorious wonder and days when I wonder why I am here at all.

One of the things I have learned to do is dive into the dark places. Life is not always a bowl of cherries, obviously, but denying the sad parts or attempting to skim over them just makes them more prevalent. You really do need to dive in, ride the wave, feel the feels. I once stayed in bed for 3 weeks crying. It was a rough one for sure, but I felt better afterwards and was able to grab myself by the bootstraps and make some monumental changes that shifted my life drastically for the better.

Many of the challenges that we all face are mental. Negative programming can be detrimental and there is one way to fix it. Reprogram your mind. Take on the radical responsibility to needed to take back control of your mind and your life. Only let in what serves your greater good and your new chosen path.

Let me give you an example of how I did this years ago, just after getting out of that 3 week bed cying stint.

I turned off ALL media. Well, all media with words. I only would listen to relaxing classical music. I found that the news, commercials and the song lyrics to be so drearly and depressing I could not listen to them even for a minute. This period of my life lasted 3 years. I didn’t just turn off all media, but I began to seek out and fill my mind with new information on a nearly constant basis. A few of my “mentors” were and still are, Wallace Wattles, Tony Robbins, Mary Morrisey & Kevin Trudeau. I would listen, read and research new thought patterns and ideas with an obsessive attentiveness. So much so that my mind and my thinking began to shift. It is STILL shifting!

Being self reflective is one of the most dificult tasks there is. It requires you to set aside your ego, put down the microscope and pick up the mirror. Diligently use others as a mirror for the things you need to fix inside of yourself. If something about someone is irritating you, chances are that same thing is in fact inside of YOU and trying to get your attention so you can “fix” it!

It certainly is a life challenge, but one I am up for and doing! How about you? Do you accept the challenge to be tenaciously self reflective?

How To Forgive, When You Just Can’t

“Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” ~Jesus

It sounds so easy. Just say it. “I forgive you”. Easy right?

Yeah, not so much. Forgiveness is WAY harder than that and actually WAY more simple at the same time. I know, I know, it’s all very confusing. That’s just how life is! It’s grey in color, on an undulating landscape of balance. Yin & Yang. The trick is to stand in compassion, in the middle of it all.

OK, Ok, so here I am, with a freaking TON of abuse heaped on me over the last 25 years (you can read about that here) and I finally have the realization that I am actually very hurt & angry. I have finally admitted that I have been wronged. Which in itself is a HUGE thing, because for whatever reason, women like me, have been taught to keep our mouths shut, stand there and look pretty. Don’t rock the boat, you’re not that important. So I have finally let the cat out of the bag so to speak. As one small admittance lead to another larger admittance and so on and so on, I became overwhelmed with anger, bitterness and … something else. I don’t know what. Sadness? Fear? Emptiness? Bewilderment? Fear? Overwhelming pointlessness? Fear? Did I mention Fear? In short, I was NOT ok. I cried in bed for weeks and weeks.

Forgiveness is a thing I never really thought about in my life up until recently. I din’t really think I had an issue with it. If you stepped on my foot, you apologized and I’d say, it’s ok, no worries. And that was that. If you backed into my car, you’d fix it and that was it. No worries. No hard feelings. Accidents happen. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok.

But… I began to unearth some deep trauma, and I realized that in fact it was not ok. These were not accidents I was unearthing. And these people were getting away with it. They were getting away with treating me like a rag, like trash. Like a slave. Like a play thing. Like a toy. Abusing me and tossing me out to the curb. I began to feel again and not in a good way. I was feeling anger, resentment, rage and retaliation. Bitter and defensive. Vengeful doesn’t even come close. I wanted each of these men to have done to them what they did to me. I wanted them to die a slow painful death, have the life sucked slowly out of them. I was vindictive in my heart. And my heart was becoming more and more inhospitable. Dark. Churning rage. You wouldn’t know that by looking at me, I was all smiles and pleasantries. Keeping my mouth shut. Again.

I began to realize that my internal anger, did nothing to those I was angry at, but it was making me ill. I could barely function and I was lying to myself that everything was ok, distracting myself with things to make me feel better. The resentment remained. I started seeing problems in my body. I was getting lumps and pains, aching and stiffness. I said NO to myself. If I can take control of all of it from the inside, pull in, take responsibility for all of it, I can start on the path to freeing my self from resentment. I know, I know! Take responsibility for what they did to me!!! Are you kidding me? WTF Kristin?! NO! But hear me out….


If you don’t take responsibility for you life, all of it, then you are giving up control to others. You are at their whims of destructive behavior.  You need to take your life back. You need to claim responsibility. You need to know, that because you are responsible you can change it all. When you have the realization, that you actually on a certain level, allowed this abuse, you will never allow it agin, and so can change your life, forgive yourself, from the inside out. Forgiving others after that is easy. Because it’s not their fault. It’s your fault for allowing it. Now this applies to the abuses that I have suffered in my life, while I was an adult. There are some that it doesn’t apply to, like child abuse. Unfortunately children  don’t have the control of their environment. They may have tyranical parents, but from what I’ve seen, these children can grow to be unbelievably resourceful and powerful. If you’ve suffered child abuse, and you’re an adult now, you have control now. So take it! We get what we need in order to grow. So look at your hardships, the places where you hold anger and resentment, and look inside there for the lesson you need to learn. Think outside the box, these lessons can be deep and hidden. Especially, if like me, you keep getting the same one. God was I dense!! I was getting the same lesson over and over and over and over!!!

I finally figured it out, I needed to love myself first. Forgive myself first. Protect myself first. Cherish myself first. Then it all began to fall into place, After that, forgiveness for others was easy. A piece of cake.

When you realize that you have been running the program that you are not in control, and you take your control back, you realize the others are running a similar program. They are not in control, and they may not even know it. They are being worked over and they are taking it out on you.

Why? 

Because

1) They are running their programming and “they know not what they do” 2) you are there. And #2, that is something you can control.

So do you stay and allow it? or do you move away from your abuser and take control over your environment. The choice, as always, is under your control!   

Wounds

I am rarely asked about my wounds. I think I get along pretty good in life masking them. Dermablend you know;)

I have many deep ones. I can understand where you’re at, the pain you have, to a certain degree, because I too have pain. I will give you a run down of these traumas. But generally I like not to dwell there, as that creates the “victim” mentality that I am committed to eradicating in my life and in the lives of others.

These are in no particular order except what presently comes to mind first.

I was locked up, beaten, raped, sodomized and forced to do drugs for months. I am not sure how many months, 4-6-8? I don’t recall that. How did I escape? Astral projection. ( That is another story) I never reported this. I was terrified that he would find me and kill me. I just hid out in silence. And as in any truly abusive situation, I believed I loved this man. SMH. It was textbook. After I escaped, I found out I was pregnant and had a VD. I had an abortion, which was another trauma all in itself. Lovely. But here I am, still alive and all the wiser.

I spent 7 years in an abusive narcissistic/borderline relationship. One that I have to keep dealing with, unfortunately. It was brutal. It is brutal. I didn’t consider it abusive as I wasn’t getting beatten, but it is, and some of the worst abuse out there. There is generally no point in even having a conversation with this person because somehow, it will always end in him being angry at me. Angry for what? Anything from salad to wardrobe to things he thinks I did years ago, words I say that he doesn’t like. Even avoiding a conversation is grounds for a fight. The verbal abuse would last weeks sometimes and leve me just a frail shadow of myself, head down in silence. Of course when I was in it, I would fight back! Defend myself! But it’s a no win situation. I tried everything from reasoning to different religions to therapy. A dance I did for too long thinking there was something I was doing that was really wrong. Now I know better. I was dealing with a personality disordered person. I learned many stradegies to deal with this, detachment is key.

I was gang raped by a co worker. He drugged me, then he and his 4-5 friends, took turns raping me. I saw them all walk in the room after I was immobilized, I lost count, my head was spinning. I was beyond ashamed. I never reported it. His name was John and we worked together at Ferrier restuarant on the upper east side of Manhattn. I am sure he did this to many other women who were naive enough to think that he actually liked them, like me.

When living with a certiain man, he became abusive to the point that after my shower, he threw me into the hallway of my building, naked, and locked me out of the apartment. He left me there for hours. He ocassionally would open the door and taunt me with pieces of clothing or keys. He threw keys at me at one point. It was the middle of the night, thank God, and only one person walked by me. They didn’t offer any help. And I didn’t ask. I stayed curled up in silence. I did report this, but only in divorce papers.

These are a few of the things that come to mind when I contemplate the abuse I have endured. I was naive for sure, But over time have learned to cope using meditation and self care stradegies, like boundaries, that mostly work, but not always. Sometimes they backfire. Sometimes I close the door on the whole world in order to protect myself. Sometimes I still lack boundaries and get deeply hurt in my heart.

I am a work in progress, I have come leaps and bounds for sure! I live a very peaceful life now. Mostly happy, mostly fulfilling. But as I heal, as we all do, there is a wave of healing that we ride. Nothing is black and white. It’s not “healed” or “broken”. We are in different stages of the process of healing and breakking yet again, just to be healed again. We are in process. All of us. That’s the journey. I have days of deep sadness, followed by days of joyful gratitude. Each day is a gift.

I just wanted to let you in on some of the reasons that I have this blog. There are many, many small abuses I have endured, like this one that many people know of. And some that I have caused I am sure, through retaliation, learned behaviors and testing boundaries.

My hope is that in the telling of these abuses, that I will heal further and also give permission for other women to come forth and reveal their abuses, so that they too can heal. I don’t like to dwell on negativity, as I have mentioned, but sometimes it does have to be told!

Real Success

I want you to know that the first thing regarding success that you need to acquire is a sense of success within your being.

A sense of accomplishment. This is not about financial success, because you can literally have millions and, millions of dollars and lack the internal feeling of success and remain miserable. Money will not bring you happiness so it is very important wherever you’re at, if you have money or if you dont have money, to find the happiness first.

Because that is the true meaning of life. Financial success is not the true meaning of life. It is a lie. That is society, which is all well and good and desirable yes, because we want to have all the things and enjoy our lives, BUT, if you do not have this feeling already within you, no amount of money will buy it. No amount of things will give you the feeling.

You need to find this place, and then you can appreciate any environment that you happen to be in. Be it modest or opulent. You will appreciate a palace and a simple garden. You will live your life in that place.

So my goal is to help you to find within you that palce of peace and gratitude.  It doesn’t come easy at first, and if you have had a lot of hardships like I have, It can be a challenge, but there are ways, there are new paths you can create, and we can make it happen. This is about gratitude, forgiveness, thankfulness, peace and love. Self love.

Self love is number one, because if you dont have that, you’ve got nothing else.

That’s my thought for today.

XO~K

Life as Art

May 21st 2019

I believe we come to this planet as a soul inhabiting this body which is essentially our “mech” and we are here to experience this planet and to create. The way that we create is art. From the buildings to the relationships to the actual art, like paintings, to the clothing that you wear, your whole life is you art project. So, you have to come from the heart for art. Haha!  It sounds so cliche, but truly, that is why we are here!

We are not here to work and pay our bills, although that is built into our system in like here in America. But it is essential for your happiness to overide societies expectations, come from your heart and create your life as a 100 year piece of art. Everything from your workspace to your relationships, to the clothing that you wear to the people that you hang out with, to the tangible legacy that you will leave behind for other people to grow upon.

We are another layer of existence and there will be another layer on top of us.  They will have nothing to grow on if we leave nothing. So it essential that we tell our stories. Our stories are part of our art! Part of our existence. Each one of us is a piece of art that G-d has placed here as a gift to us, to the us that is our soul.  This earthly life, our artfully created human body, is a gift to our soul! Come down here and play! Be artistic, enjoy the beauty around you, live your life as a gift of art. Use life to inspire others, to help lift others up and to just experience this planet & others creations.

It is so essential for the happiness of each individual to live in an artistic way I believe. So if you dont have any art in your life, Go get some! Go make some, create it!

Actually I take that back because if youre alive there is no way that you don’t have something that you are creating. If you’re alive, you are creating. Whatever it is. That is your art!

Some people create dark and moody, some create light and airy, some like a balance of that, some people like both. Some people like green, some like blue. And that is your creation! You can do watever you want.

The only rule, is the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Let me put that another way, because I heard that my whole life and never truly understood it. I just gave and gave, more than my capacity and I tapped myself out. So let’s put it another way.  Don’t do anything to cause harm to others. Do whatever you want, but don’t do anything to cause harm to others.

That leaves a lot of stuff wide open. So go out there and enjoy it. I am going to enjoy it today and that’s my thought for the day.

Okay, bye!

XO~K

 

 

Good and Bad

“Good” and “bad” are just subjective interpretations of the balance of the universe and not actually good or bad. Just balance.

Imagine you’re on a seesaw, going up and down, now imagine with every up and down movement you send out a trail, like waving a ribbon in the breeze. All of a sudden you have a wavelength. Now imagine the seesaw begins to twirl as it goes up and down. Spinning and bouncing, it is a spherical movement, that ripples in all directions. This is what life is like. Like a sound wave or water droplet wave. A spherical energy wave sculpture.

Life is a rollercoaster of emotions, for some, the ride is crazy, for others the ride is calm. It all depends on where you decide to sit on your seesaw. Your spherical wave sculpture.

Sitting on the very edge of the seesaw, where the difference is the greatest, will give you the most intense ride. Laughing hard, crying hard too. See, what goes up must come down, that is the balance of our universe, so mind bending-ly intricate. And so we have yin and yang, heavily and light, black and white, up & down.

Back to the seesaw. If me move in a little closer to the center of the seesaw, our ride gets a little bit less dramatic. We are still going up and down, just now, it’s a bit more calm. We are still going up and down, in equal distances. This is the balance.

Now if we move even closer to the middle, we begin to be able to sit still. Calm in the middle of the storm. Both sides are going up and down. And there is calm in the center.

If we move out to the edge, our experiences can jostle us around dramatically, from super highs to super lows. So you can bet that the people you see having amazingly lovely times have had unbelievably terrible times as well. The balance.

Our emotional reactions to our surroundings & circumstances & relationships, create our seating position on the seesaw. Are we at the edge, or are we more toward the middle. Riding on the edge is not for the faint of heart, It’s wild up and down. but in order to appreciate the calm of the middle, we need to experience the volatility or the edge. By embracing the volatility, we can rise above the edge and begin to sit in the middle.

Sitting in the middle we begin to realize that the events taking place around us, don’t NEED to take us for a ride! That is our voluntarily chosen seat. And now we can CHOOSE to sit in the middle. Experience life but without the drastic behaviors. We can observe and learn, without getting bent out of shape. Watching things happen, that maybe we don’t like so much, but that if we just wait a bit, this too shall pass. And then we override the upset part. We override the angry, pouting, mean part. We relax, in the middle of that seesaw. Just sit, watching others go for a wild ride! But know, you will level out both the up and the down. Not just the down. Yin Yang.

We can enjoy the high and low by observing. Watching and listening. Then we can gain peace, that rests in the middle, while still enjoying life. We no longer have to go on the wild ride, we can appreciate it from afar. Witness from a place of peace.

This is rising above it all. Rising above hardships and rising above the volatility of life. Rising about the madness. Pulling up and pulling out. Letting it all go. Let it go.

Let your attachments to all outcomes go. Just observe. Be still and take it all in, learn, evolve, center your thoughts. Then watch the madness from the eye of the storm.

Sit in the middle of the seesaw. Obtain peace. Freedom from the insanity of our current society. Override all that. On purpose. With the intention to evolve into something greater. Be someone not so easily manipulated. Someone who has control of their thoughts, who owns their responsibility and sees their power. Be that person.

It’s not and easy task to just be. It takes a lot of work and is not for the faint of heart.

Just like I said before. Yin and Yang is like that. Balance. Choices.

Where will you sit on the seesaw?

Fear, the Great Lie

In my research of spirituality & abuse, I go pretty deep into the tunnel sometimes, deeper than most would go, but dang I am just so curious. So I came across lots of discussions about Disney, it’s programing and such. So I watched lot’s of Disney movies and looked at them differently, attempting to figure it out why were they “bad”.  Disney movies are pretty good actually, generally a hero, of sorts, defeating a villan, of sorts. I could not see the problem. It’s pretty good stuff!

I’ve been sitting with it and sitting with it, like for years…. really. (Maybe I’m just slow) But diving deeper into the tunnel I found some information stating that the “program” is so deeply ingrained that we wouldn’t even recognize it even if we were told. It’s a way of life. Ushered in from generation to generation, as factual. What could that possibly be? I think I got it. The base program. The foundation of the whole thing. Good vs Evil.

Good vs Evil. Separateness. Fighting. War.

Seriously. AND, this was just again affirmed to me as I was reading a book called “Voices in the Ocean” by Susan Casey. In this book, she quotes neuroscientist Lori Marino talking about the dolphin brain, and the von Economo Neurons,  “This could be an animal that takes sociality to a whole other level, there is some sort of cohesiveness in them, a very strong sense that if something happens to the group, it happens to you.”  Togetherness. She is talking about how the presense of these spindle neurons in the dolphin brain is so tremendous that they feel and are acting as one unit.

You see, most of the movies we ingest and are “programed” to show us good and evil and the war between the two. This is almost every movie! Almost. This creates fear. Fear that is a lie. Because the truth is that we are all connected. The problem is that we humans create what we think about! And so we watch good and evil and go and create it. A self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. And endless cycle.

So why this plot to create fear? I haven’t gotten that far yet. If you know, please enlighten me. To keep us depressed, anxiety ridden, suicidal? My mind goes to fear eaters. (yes, really.)

So how do we fix this? Well, I’d say we can start by hugging each other, having compassion for one another and realizing that we are all going through this together. Stop watching! This is the hardest thing! Because now we are addicted to the drama! I know many people addicted to drama, they literally create it! I was one of them for a long time! But I am breaking free, freer and freer every day. Use your brain power to control your thoughts of fear and separation. There is no good vs evil, there is only balance!  In short, think happy fun, kind thoughts! is it that easy? Yes and no. Simple, yes. But we will all need to override generations of programming. We will need diligence. Fortitude. Resilience. Comapassion. Determination.

You know, so many times I have the urge to hug someone, and I stop, because I fear, they dont want a hug from me. Why would anyone want a hug from me? Do you feel that too? You must. I am guessing that is part of the program at work. Separateness.

We humans have those same spindle neurons that dolphins have, only we have beed programed out of them, split from each other by fear. Dolphins havent been “programed” out of their connectivity.

So, if you see me around, feel free to give me a hug, I promise I will hug you back. We are of the same pod, you and I, humans. We are connected. Let’s override the system with compassion and kindness and hugs.

To hell with the lie of fear.

~K

Respecting Ourselves & Our Female Prowess

How can we embrace our feminine power & sexuality, while also not “asking for it” as the saying goes.

The answer is mindset.

Imagine Erin Brockovich, dressed all sassy and taking no shit. Now imagine a woman dressed the same, but with the feelings of insecurity. And there you have it, it’s that simple. How you feel about yourself is everything.

You can dress as sexy as you like if you are secure in your power as a woman and when you have well established boundaries. When we think of ourselves as powerful beings of creation, worthy and deserving of love gratitude and a great amount of respect, I believe that the type of man who abuses women would be scared away. He will sense that he can’t dominate us, control us or hurt us.

Being secure in who we are and what we have to offer is the most powerful place to live from. Knowing the gift we possess as women to create, to bring life to our surroundings, standing in this truth, our truth, it doesn’t matter what we wear, abusers will beware. They will sense your energy, your internal power and they will steer clear.

If we are looking for approval or a man to want us, desperately seeking “the one”, if we feel insecure at all on any level, our short skirt is an invitation to the most shallow kind of attention from the most insecure men. And we’ve accepted it. Because deep in our hearts, we feel we don’t deserve more, for reasons that are as many as we are! We have lived  life in this groveling position, not realizing all we have to offer, thinking we had nothing to give, and everything to get, hoping we could find a man to love us, begging them to love us. Accepting all types of abuse along the way, in the name of love.

We were taught to give and give. That somehow that wasn’t enough. That somehow

It is all in our minds. Our mindset. Our thoughts about ourselves & our emotions are our navigation system. We need to stop looking outside for approval and instead look within, trust and believe in ourselves, hold ourselves high, command respect from the inside out. Then we can rock that sassy outfit with fierceness, and all those wild dogs will run with their tail between their legs.

Lord help me, I wish I knew then what I know now.

~K

 

 

 

 

2017

I wrote this two years ago. I never shared it, out of straight fear. 

2017

I am no longer the woman I was a year ago. Each minute I am growing and evolving.

This year, 2017 was such an amazing uncovering of the evils that men do to women. No, it is not always this way, but it is the majority. You rarely find women sexually assaulting men, gang raping them, drugging them and fucking them when they are unconscious. Let’s be serious here.

Men do this to women.

The flood of women coming out is amazing. Incredible. There’s is a shift in consciousness when women awaken and say “we will be free and we will be fierce” You can not hurt me anymore.

To hurt someone they have to care. But when you realize that you are NOT your earthly body, noting can harm you. You transcend the evil of this world, you become brave and bold, because you are eternal light. You ARE free. You ARE fierce. That you are otherwise is the lie that permeates society in order to keep us down.

Break free. Rise up and greet yourself.  You are magnificent.

~KA

Real Balance

We are all so blessed to be here and experience life on this planet. 

The universe is a dynamic balance of creation and destruction. It’s like when my child builds a Lego set, only to destroy it and use the pieces again and again to create more, new and interesting things. This is our life! It is not supposed to be “happy” all the time. You don’t need to FIND balance. Life is already in balance, and nature will hold it there. We are here to experience and create again and again on this planet. 

So if you are in a place of destruction, look around you and locate those pieces that you can use to rebuild and re create. That’s your path, my fellow beings. I hope you find those gems & create something beautiful.

Finding balance in your life does not mean that you create equal amounts of time for different activities, thereby by creating balance. Finding balance in your life, is to find the place where you can sit still, in the middle of the  turmoil of life, and observe the balance that is, without being taken for a ride on the emotional rollercoaster. It’s like sitting in the middle of the seesaw. You see the up and down, the creating and destruction, the “good and bad”, but you yourself remain peaceful and calm. Observing with gratitude and awe, the power of life. From this seat, you can see clearly that “heaven” is actually right here on Earth. 

We take so much for grated here on Earth. If there is an imbalance on this planet, it is directly caused by humanity. By the mass number of humans who remain un awake & living in the ongoing programing. It is our duty to wake up and realize the beauty of our planet, the perfection and balance, and to not work so hard as we do to throw it out of whack. Mother Nature will be in balance. Until she decides to remake this planet into some other creation. 

Lets not push her shall we? Instead, maybe we can get out of her way and allow her to create. Maybe we can see the perfection and not mess with it. Maybe we can be a part of the beauty, wake up to our own divinity. You were made perfect already. Everything was and is whole and perfect and beautiful and ever changing. 

Enjoy it! Stop fretting! Look around you & witness the creation!

KA

Teaching Non Violence in a Violent World

To teach non violence, we need to approach it with love and compassion, NOT counter violence.

Anyone acting out in anger and violence is hurt in some way. Be it recently or deep in the past. Sometimes it is in the ancestral past, long gone in physical form, but very present in energetic form. This energetic inheritance explains why sometimes violence seems to sprout from no where. Punishing by anger & violence will only escalate the problem and reinforce violence as way to behave. Perpetuating the action.

This is very difficult work. Mostly because to really be effective, one needs to dig deep inside themselves, find the burden that we have been passed from our ancestors, and begin to unpack it, analyze it and somehow find compassion and forgiveness for all of them and ourselves. Only then can we teach how to be non violent. It comes from within.

My child is very sensitive to being teased, his feelings get hurt when his pain is not acknowledged. I am that way as well. I speculate that his dad is as well. He and I both come from ancestors who have a created a great deal of havoc. It is up to us to stop it, within ourselves, and then gift this inner peace to our child. Not an easy task, but I believe a crucial one.

Change takes time. Growth takes time. Learning takes time. I know for myself, it has taken many years of violent interactions and self introspection to come to this place of peace where I am now. It is not easy, I work very hard to stay here. But it IS getting easier! Practice, practice, practice. Constant mental diligence.

Children are mirrors for our own behaviors. They reflect our ancestral heritage. And if we want them to act better, we must change in ourselves first.  Knowing this doesn’t make it any less frustrating when faced with a sassy, hitting, 8 year old, intent on pushing all your buttons, who doesn’t listen. But when we come at this issue with compassion, knowing that our children have gotten all that same ancestral programing that WE have had to deal with, it is easier to give a hug and acknowledge their pain and frustration.

That alone can change everything. We all just want to be heard, seen and loved.

I work daily at taking my own advice. Not perfection, but progress.

I wish you many Blessings,

Kristin

Life is Messy & Perfect

Life. Why are we here? What is the point?

I have lived so may “lives” in this one life. In my 48 years I have been a child, a student, an actress, a model, a make up artist, a manicurist, an esthetician, a housewife, a photographer, a mother, a victim, a prisoner, a lover. I have lived a financially wealthy life and a finacially strapped life. I have traveled the world, on private jets and helicopters, I have lived in a tiny, dark studio apartment with no windows. I have paid $700 to have my hair done and I have done my hair myself in the bathroom mirror with a box of color and some scissors. I have been married and divorced, twice. I have been locked up and kept prisoner, beaten, bruised and abused. I have a beautiful child, my everything. I have traveled to the gates of life. I have experienced astral projection. I have suffered through years of narcissistic abuse. I have been completely ignored. I have had an abortion. I considered and half-assed tried suicide. I was taken on amazing trips in private jets. I’ve owned a Chanel Suit. I was gang raped by a coworker and his group of friends. I have hidden in shame. I have stood tall in confidence. I have manifested a change in physical matter with my mind. I have risen above and walked on. I have not only survived but I am thriving. I live in abundance. I have all I need and more. I have wisdom. Not ALL the wisdom, obviously, but a sufficent amount to know that I don’t know. I am always wondering… Why? Why me? What is the point of all this.

Every day I go through the day and I wonder what I am supposed to be doing? And sometimes I forget that I have experienced so much. I am just getting through my day, looking at what is in front of me. What am I supposed to do with all this information? When I ask myself this question, I always come back to the same thing. “Kristin, share your stories!” So I started this blog, (that no one reads). Haha! But maybe one day it will help one person. And that will be amazing.

So what is the point of life? Some days this question takes me out and I get deeply sad. I mean I just don’t get it. It all just seems SO POINTLESS! But that bewildered feeling doesn’t stay long, I know that the Earth is miraculous, that we are miraculous. The meaning of life, to me, is this… We are here to observe, to experience, to pay attention. To look and see, with compassion. We are here to experience this wild & violent planet, the only one like it that we know of, teeming with life of all unimaginable sorts. We are here, to be here. Just be.

The agenda, that we have some higher purpose is, I believe, is just to keep up from being. To keep us spinning and searching outside of ourselves for some elusive meaning. It is society leaders, using up other people’s being, for their own benefit, creating wealth for themselves and leaving people empty. THAT is the disease of our times.

Observe! You don’t need to do or be anything that you are not. Your life here is a gift. A gift of existence in order to experience life on this planet. That is all. You have been given a gift. Enjoy every breath, every bug, every flower, every personal connection, every relationship. Embrace it all. It is all a gift of experience. Observe with compassion and kindness to every living thing.

That is our only purpose.

To be.

I am.

You are.

We are.

OM!

Embracing Your Power

When I was young, I used to LOVE puzzles. LOVE! I would spend hours working them out, piece by piece. Over the years the puzzles I would get would have smaller and smaller pieces as I challenged myself more and more. But there was one thing that would happen ocasionally that would cause me to really lose my mind. A missing piece! I would work days, sometimes weeks on a puzzle and get to the very end, nearly complete, only to find out that there was a piece missing!!! ARRGG! The entire puzzle was basicly trash! Oh I can feel the frustration still!

Now imagine our world, our universe, God’s creation. Each and every one of us, each and every being, is a piece to this vast, dynamic puzzle of the universe, without one piece, the puzzle can not be finished. Realize, that you are an important piece, one of the many, yes, but absolutley necesary for the whole picture. And you have been given free will to create your dynamic piece and to interweave it with all the other pieces.

Many people are un-aware that we actually have this power, that our words, our thinking, creates. We go about our day with blinders on, like little, terrible two toddlers, wrecking the place, saying whatever pops into our minds, unaware of the harm that we are causing. Unaware of consequences. And when bad things show up, we are possibly thinking “That’s not my fault!” and we point fingers all around.

Newsflash. It is your fault. Your world is your fault. Your responsibility. How you choose to see and think and create your world is your dynamic puzzle piece. Your choice! You can wreak havoc or create peace. Create your life by being truthful with yourself, listen to your heart. Create with kindness for others, your fellow beings, whao are also needed puzzle pieces, are also creating.

Your life has been put into your hands, a gift. You have been given the power to create with your choices. It is such an amazing power, choice. But know that what you allow others to do in your sphere is also a choice! You can create rules and boundaries for your sphere, you can create a place of joy, where only those who are joyful are allowed, or you can create turmoil, which will atract other who are in turmoil. Or you can choose to be a haven, where others can gain something. It truly is a game. One that was created for us to play, that we create on this material level.

Each and every word that you think, that comes out of your mouth is creating your puzzle pieces, your dynamic interconnected sphere of a piece. We are all connected, to eachother to the earth and to the universe. If we can begin to create our sphere with kindness to ourselves and one another, we can together change the picture of our entire puzzle from a dark and violent scene, to a scene of peace and joy, connectivity, and fullfillment. One by one, sphere by sphere, kindness by kindness.

You were given this power, it’s part of the game. Choice. Choose wisely. Game on!

©KristinAnderson Yes.

My Life Study

Although I love nature, I live in the city. I have for years. Oddly I still feel nature is my home and I feel very connected to nature. But, I live in an apartment building, in Los Angeles. One of the largest cities there is. I don’t like being too far into the woods because I get….. scared. Not scared of animals or creatures, but scared of other humans that may be there. All close minded and brutal. (Too many horror movies? It’s possible.) I am being very honest right now. I am scared of humans. There are so many mean, brutal & broken ones. And I am very near ashamed to be one of them.

Fear. There you are. And I thought I had escaped.

I am not totally afraid of every human, but I clearly have more healing ahead of me. I think this is why I love my job. I photograph people. I am a photographer. I capture real moments, hopefully of joy. That’s my favorite. Show me some joy! Show me something real, something… happy! Show me hope and possibility, because sometimes, I am drowning in the awfulness of it all.

I need you! I need you to come sit with me, tell me your intimate details, let me see our connections. I will capture all that is you, for you. It’s a study for me. I am studying humans. Looking for the good stuff, the truth, the brokeness, the love, the realness. It’s all right there in your eyes. Comapssion? I would really love to see more of that in everyone.

Show me.

Trust Your Divine Feelings

I asked a question to powers that be, with my inner voice. “What am I supposed to be doing? Please tell me, let me know, what am I supposed to do.”

“Just follow your heart.” I heard from inside.

“Follow my heart?! I can’t do that! I can’t trust my heart!” I thought back, without hesitation.

Whew. This hit me like a ton of bricks. What a realization. “I can’t trust my heart!” My beautiful, loving heart. My heart that would give and give and give. Love and love. Turn the other cheek. Always put others first. Do all the selfless things it was taught to do. I no longer trust my own heart. The loss. I cried at the realization.

It seems that through years, I have been following the hearts of others and ignoring my own heart. I wonder when this began in my life. What a curse to bear.

So here I am now, working on setting appropriate boundaries to protect my heart. Reconnecting with my heart. Learning to trust my heart again. Or maybe it is more accurate to say, learning to feel my true heart in the first place. Instead of trying to figure out other people’s hearts! This is a plight for so many of us who have the similar burden of a people pleasing nature. You & I can rewrite this program.

Putting others needs above your own, is not actually a good thing, as so many of us were taught to believe. The way it should be taught is this. Put your own needs in order first, be the best you can be, fill your cup, then you have the power, with all your gifts flowing, to serve others. If you just give and give, try to please and help and placate, you will not last long, you will be tapped out and your efforts will mount to nothing. Precisely because you are not here to serve an other’s heart. You MUST give to your own heart first all the things your heart is calling for. Then, in that place, you will have gotten in touch with your true gifts, and from there you can serve others tremendously. You will be using your gifts to serve others in such a way that it helps them to serve their own hearts. It is a subtle, powerful shift. One to contemplate for sure. I myself am working on this daily.

I have never trusted my own heart, or even listened to it for that matter. I didn’t even know it! I realize that now. I have been following others hearts. Attempting to do the work of other hearts. Which, actually, is impossible because only each individual can do the work of their own heart. Basically I have been depleting myself and wasting many years in futile doings of all sorts. I meant well of course! I thought I was doing good deeds for others! Haha! But, I was miserable and dying inside. I can not tell you how happy I am now, to have discovered this. It is life changing.

I have heard this all said before, for years! But hearing the words and understanding them is VERY different than living the words and walking the life path. But it does feel good. It is a subtle mind shift that has tremendous impact both on myself and those around me.

It is effort to keep checking in with my heart, I need steady reminders. I literally set alarms on my phone and when it dings, I take a moment to check my feels. It works!

Getting in touch with and learning to trust my own heart’s calling, is my current ongoing task. I am doing what I know how to do to make that happen. This includes sitting in silence, asking myself what I need to do, writing and listening. Listening most of all. Feeling the feelings. Did you know our hearts communicate with feelings? So I ask myself, about everything, how does it feel. How does it feel? Then I make my choice based on that.

I have been creating my space with feeling intention. Creating space where I feel safe. Where I feel like I love myself and am surrounded by love. I feel respect for myself and I feel I trust myself. My decisions now are made slowly, with feeling! It is truly magical, peaceful and powerful.

Our hearts and our feelings are our divine guidance system. I wish I had known this long ago instead of believing that the feelings of others were always more important than mine. Or that certain feelings were unacceptable! Like anger!

I am wiser now. I feel all the feels and follow them.

First Steps to Overcome Trauma

This may sound simple, but is actually one of the hardest things I’ve done. Especially if your traumatic experiences were/are so bad that you’ve dismissed them, tucked them deep inside and may have even forgotten that they were even there.

The first step to overcoming trauma, is to admit that you have it, trauma that is. The first step is to look right at it. Feel all the feels. Acknowledge it. Sit with is. Know it. Own it. It is yours. It is mine. You may need to mentally go through your experience again and it may debilitate you for some time.

When I began opening myself up to all the horrific abuses I have suffered through, that I had swept under the rug & ignored for years and years, it was like a storm raging. I was in bed crying for weeks. I got depressed, deeply sad, with a hopeless feeling. I though, why? Why? Why?? I was in a seemingly endless loop of why? It was rough. But in order to break free, in order to change, I had to go there, deep inside. I took the time, I laid in bed for weeks crying. It was not pleasant at all, but necessary for growth and healing.

Recalling each abuse. Pondering the “Why?” of each abuse. It was beyond depressing. But as you see, I am still here. Proof that it will not kill you to look inside of all that evil.

You may be wondering, understandably, what abuses I have suffered. I really want to focus here on the aspect of healing, but part of that IS looking at the traumatic experiences. That is the whole point of this post! So, here are a few of the more major abusive situations I have been in and have emerged from.

I have been drugged and gang raped by a man I worked with, I though we were going on a date, I thought he liked me. I had no idea what I was walking into. His name was John and I am sure he and his male friends have done this many times, it was planned too perfectly. I was in total shock and never said a word about it. I have also been trapped for months and repeatedly raped, sodomized, beaten and forced to do cocaine by a man. When I escaped I was pregnant and had contracted a VD. I have seriously contemplated both murder and suicide after that, I understand those thoughts, but had the sense to not go through with either.Actually, when I saw the movie “Room” with Brie Larson, I was thinking it was about me, that it was a true story. Mine. I also have spent years in a relationship where I was just ignored, another form of abuse that is seemingly harmless but unbelievably cruel & harmful. I also have spent many more years in a relationship that was filled with narcissistic/borderline abuse, which was quite powerful in making me feel like a crazy person. That was the final straw & catalyst for my own healing journey. I had finally had enough.

I had always asked questions like “Why me? Why do you want to hurt me? What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this? Don’t you see I love you?”. This line of questioning brought me no answers, just more and more pain.

I fell into a deep depression and I began to ask a different question. “What am I doing wrong?”. THAT is when the magic began to happen. I began to look into each abusive situation and sift around to find what lessons I could. Then, I began to shift my perceptions and thinking. I finally was beginning to see. In each of these abusive situations one thing was always true, there was one common denominator, me. In each situation I would eventually say to myself, “No. This can NOT be my life. My life is supposed to be more than this. Much more. I know it.” Then, somehow, I prevail. Every time.

I urge you to look inside, find your dark moments and embrace them. Feel them out, until the pain is processed and holds no pain any more. Then take control of the only thing you can control, your own thoughts. There is a gem in there for you. You too will prevail. I know it.

Many Blessings to You, Kristin

New Year, Same Journey

I have been avoiding my computer for a few weeks now. I actually had a dream that I got rid it. Right after I traded it, for some audio equipment, then I traded it right back. I thought, Wait?! I NEED that! I am a photographer and I need that! At the very minimum I need Lightroom and email just to keep up. Then I woke up. Happy to still have my computer.

As this year comes to a close, I am taking a moment of reflection. I have come to so many revelations this year, subtle and powerful. The number one spot goes to releasing. Release! Release! Release! (Maybe why I dreamt I traded my computer for music?) Let go of all the “should” and “shouldn’t”. Relax and release! Be grateful for where you are RIGHT NOW. There is SO much power in this. I can feel that it has the power to change the course of my life.

The mindset for releasing, forgiving, letting go, is so subtle, and to keep it takes some real diligence and thought adjustment. Tiny little adjustments that bring about great change. You are cutting the ties that you have put on yourself, but first you have to find them! Looking within and fishing out the untruths we have ourselves believing is that hard part. Then let them go.

So I began to let go. I let go of people, their actions & reactions, I let go of events and their ripples, I let go of things I think I SHOULD be doing. I let go and just be. As I move into the realm of just being, I realize I have everything. I actually have MORE than I need. I am living in abundance. Wow, that was a powerful mind shift!

Our lives unfold as they are meant to be for our growth. I believe that. We learn the lessons we are meant to learn if we can open ourselves to that. My lessons this year were hard and I fought to learn them, to let go. It was not an easy task and required many, many hours of heavy thinking. But with diligence and determination, the door cracked open for me. My thinking shifted, I learned. I began to feel grateful.

From having gratitude for my abundance, I experienced a synchronicity that was truly beautiful. Literally as if the path I was about to walk, was appearing under my feet. I can not explain it. It was like magic. I have experienced this in my life before a few times. I wrote about one of those times here. But, now I want to be able to access that magical realm at will. Actually, I want to exist there, I want that perfect placement every day. Alignment. Synchronicity. Magic.

I believe that learning is a continual process and not a one time thing, so in this coming year I will work on continuing to let go and release daily and moment by moment, in every aspect of my life. Living with great gratitude for life and all it’s happenings. I will work on creating more with my thinking and enjoying with gratitude more of my current environment. The results of this are tangible.

New Year’s? This New Year’s Eve I will most likely be home with my child, 7. Most likely watching Jurassic Park and playing Legos. Reading and drinking chamomile tea together. Enjoying each others company with no expectations.

Many Blessings, Kristin